Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
