his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
