What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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