just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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