TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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