Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Randomize
