She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
