This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
