That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
