Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
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