I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
