I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
