did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize