no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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