when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
