So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
