I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Someone came in the potted fern
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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