It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
