as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He better not be in your backpack
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
