I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
