i just wanna soil my oats bro
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
