Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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