he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
