There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
