do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize