Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
