Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
