Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
