he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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