3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
