If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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