Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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