I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize