Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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