We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
