I just threw up on my dentist
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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