my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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