The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize