Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
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