I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
