do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
