3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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