I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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