She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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