I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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