I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
