i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
