I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize