Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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