I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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