i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
