People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
