dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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